Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did pioneering work on the stages of grief that people go through after experiencing loss in their lives. Not everyone will go through every stage, nor do people necessarily go through the stages in order. As time goes on, many people revisit some stage or other of grief, particularly when the loss is felt again (for instance at certain age milestones).
Having a child with special needs forces a person to deal with the grief of losing the so called "normal" child one had hoped to have. I see where I have lived through each of these stages, and where I have gotten stuck at times. Here they are, for you to see if they ring true for you too!
Stage 1: Shock and Denial. At this stage a person is numb with the news. "It can't be happening to me!" or "The baby looks normal to me, I can't see the features of Down syndrome".
Stage 2: Anger. This anger is often not directed to the child, but is vented to teachers, doctors, family members, society and ultimately God. (quite frightening and all consuming; people stuck here are not pleasant to be around. Obviously, there are times when a person has to advocate for their child quite firmly; I'm talking about something farther reaching and unreasonable)
Stage 3: Bargaining. If I give my child this, this or this experimental medicine, or do thus, thus or thus intensive treatment or therapy my child with be potty trained and reading by 2 and a half! (this can be very expensive and takes a huge toll of time and effort, guilt often plays a roll.)
Stage 4: Depression. Sadness that my child will NEVER walk, talk, read, have friends, live independently... A sense of isolation and hopelessness. (a sense of giving up, as if nothing will make a difference. No energy to work with the child to help them)
Stage 5: Acceptance. My child is OK just the way he or she is! This happens to be the "stage" where the child is all along! For the child, life, love and family are what is important, not their limitations. This is seeing the big picture. When you can truly pray, "Jesus, I trust you" you are in acceptance. It means, with God's grace, doing what can be done educationally or therapy-wise to support the child grow and mature, but with a sense of peace--loving and valuing the child JUST the way they are, and accepting them as they are.
